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Posts Tagged ‘Humour’

Ring Ring…..

Hello – Australian team dressing room

Hello mate…Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.

Sorry mate – he’s just gone out to bat

It’s OK – I’ll hold.


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Q: What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

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Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?

A: A waiter.

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Q: Which Australian spends the most time at the crease?

A: The woman who irons the cricket whites.

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Q: Why don’t Aussie fielders need pre-tour injections?

A: Because they never catch anything.

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Q: What’s the Aussie version of a hat trick?

A: Three runs in three over’s.

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Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A: Both wonder where their next score will come from.

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Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?

A: The walk back to the pavilion.

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Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

A: The entire Australian innings.

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Q: What’s the Australian version of LBW?

A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

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Q: Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

A: Because they can’t spell beer.

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Q: What do you call an Australian with 100 to his name

A: A bowler

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Q: Why do Australians struggle with bottles.

A.: Because they don’t have any openers

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Q: What do you call a world class Australian cricketer

A: Retired

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Q: What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube

A: Laughing stock

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South Park collection

Cartman interview

Evolution by Mrs Garrison

Beer Song

Cartman’s best one-liners to a techno beat

Cartman ‘Pokerface’ with liberties to Lady Gaga

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Stumped (joke)

A  young woman walked into a police station in Melbourne and said to the Desk Sergeant

“I’d like to report a case of sexual assault”.

“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.

“Just down the road  past the MCG ” she replied “

“Can you describe what happened?”

“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me”.

“Could you give me a description of him?”

“Yes, he was wearing white sports  shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.

“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.

“Yes”, said the lady instantly, “He was an Aussie Cricketer”.

“That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”

“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.

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A woman gave birth after a long period in labour. As soon as she had recovered sufficiently the doctor approached her.

“Your baby is in good health, but there’s something important I need to explain to you…!”

The new mother goes into a funk.

“What’s the matter with my baby? Tell me please, what’s wrong?”

“The baby is fine, just fine, only it’s a hermaphrodite.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It means that your baby is… er… that he… er… she… er… that it… er… has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman.”

“Well thank the lord for that! You mean he has a penis and a brain?”

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Got to love Aussies

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project – Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are.”

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

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“The Glasgow Asda Greeter.” (and other stories)

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Rangers top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow ‘s south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

ASDA greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning madam, and Welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘F**k naw, they’re nae twins. The oldest one’s nine, and the other one’s six. Why the f**k would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupit ?’

‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,’replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe you’ve been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.’

***

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyzer equipment must be broken..”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

***

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?” About 3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

“So Abdul, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost!”

Abdul replied, “Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said ‘goats’!”

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So more funnier than the tame one shown between the football last night.

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