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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

M- She major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “MOO”

M- she’s major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “M-M-M-M-MOO!”

She ain’t got no alibi, she ugly!
(screw off)

M- She’s major ugly
O- she’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow says “MOO”
~~~~~
“Hey, let me ask you something, does she have an alibi?”
“For what? Why would she need an alibi?”
“So you’re saying she does NOT have an alibi?”
“Well, no”
“Okay, so we’ve established she ain’t got no alibi, she ugly! She ugly! U-G-L-Y! She ain’t got no alibi! She ugly!”
“Screw off”
~~~~~~
M- she’s major ugly
O- She’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow said “MOO”
~Repeat 4 times~

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I do like my koala-eating, crocodile-shagging cousins down-under.  I remember when I graced their shores many moons ago.  Got the pome treatment throughout but boy are they good fun.  Shame they suffer from their own version of the Labour Party.  Glad to see they’ve kept their humour though.

Immigration wouldn’t be so bad if we imported foreign Conservatives and exported our fellow deluded.  The world would finally see balance if all the lazy degenerates and professional haters were altogether in their dystopia.  We’d still have to send them food parcels but at least we wouldn’t have to suffer Graham Norton.

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Hilarious nutjob joke

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts, over and over, something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, 30 minutes later he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

(more…)

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NHS help

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’

‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’

‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’

‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’

‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’

‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you eff-all in here’.

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Robot lie detector

John was addicted to buying any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

About 5:30 that afternoon their 11-year-old son Tommy returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school..”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha.”The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him spark out.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

That was when Marsha got the robot treatment.

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An excellent clip involving Millwall’s super-signing goalscorer Steve Morrison (23 goals so far and still got a trip to Wembley to score some more) and the effect of his footballing prowess on a shocked feline.

Sheer class.

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

***

“The Glasgow Asda Greeter.” (and other stories)

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Rangers top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow ‘s south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

ASDA greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning madam, and Welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘F**k naw, they’re nae twins. The oldest one’s nine, and the other one’s six. Why the f**k would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupit ?’

‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,’replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe you’ve been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.’

***

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyzer equipment must be broken..”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

***

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?” About 3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

“So Abdul, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost!”

Abdul replied, “Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said ‘goats’!”

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