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Posts Tagged ‘Comic’

Excellent short animation films:

The Envelope

The Castle

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Muslim Headbutt

Never ceases to amaze me the stupidity that passes for human behaviour.

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Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

**

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

**

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No,that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

**

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

**

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

**

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

**

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

**

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

**

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

**

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

**

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Imponderables to ponder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

18. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

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Some light relief

Not that kind of relief you dirty perverts!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. It was soon evident that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?’

She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’

‘Why?’ he asked

She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!’

‘Let me see’ he said.

‘Okay’ and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.’ He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until the day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She squealed, ‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and giblets!’

**

A bloke goes into an adult shop and asks for an inflatable doll. The geezer behind the counter asks, ‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female.’

The shop assistant then asks, ‘Black or white?

Customer says, ‘White.’

Counter assistant asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the heck does religion have to do with it?’

Shop geezer says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up’

**

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon………..You got nice house.’

**

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the Clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope. “No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”Tiger: “You’re a day late.

**

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, ‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

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Selling the cause

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