Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Ring Ring…..

Hello – Australian team dressing room

Hello mate…Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.

Sorry mate – he’s just gone out to bat

It’s OK – I’ll hold.


************

Q: What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

************

Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?

A: A waiter.

************

Q: Which Australian spends the most time at the crease?

A: The woman who irons the cricket whites.

************

Q: Why don’t Aussie fielders need pre-tour injections?

A: Because they never catch anything.

************

Q: What’s the Aussie version of a hat trick?

A: Three runs in three over’s.

************

Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A: Both wonder where their next score will come from.

************

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?

A: The walk back to the pavilion.

************

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

A: The entire Australian innings.

************

Q: What’s the Australian version of LBW?

A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

************

Q: Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

A: Because they can’t spell beer.

************

Q: What do you call an Australian with 100 to his name

A: A bowler

************

Q: Why do Australians struggle with bottles.

A.: Because they don’t have any openers

************

Q: What do you call a world class Australian cricketer

A: Retired

************

Q: What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube

A: Laughing stock

************

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

***

“The Glasgow Asda Greeter.” (and other stories)

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Rangers top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow ‘s south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

ASDA greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning madam, and Welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘F**k naw, they’re nae twins. The oldest one’s nine, and the other one’s six. Why the f**k would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupit ?’

‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,’replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe you’ve been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.’

***

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.

The Police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyzer equipment must be broken..”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.

***

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?” About 3 students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

“So Abdul, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost!”

Abdul replied, “Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said ‘goats’!”

Read Full Post »

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ Said Bob.

‘Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,’I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’

‘She died last month and left me everything.’

***

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

***

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone..”

“No more headaches?” the husband asks, ”What happened?”

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.. It Worked! The headaches are all gone..”

The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back..” With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s Not My Wife…”

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

Read Full Post »