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Archive for the ‘Joke’ Category

Love at first sight

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic  diving champion.

You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the River Mersey’

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Professional Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.  He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van…”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

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Grandkids, doncha love em

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the little boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William…. the little bastard’s name is Steve.”

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The Whore and the Accountant

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a moment and the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

“Chicken Farmer it is.”

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A woman gave birth after a long period in labour. As soon as she had recovered sufficiently the doctor approached her.

“Your baby is in good health, but there’s something important I need to explain to you…!”

The new mother goes into a funk.

“What’s the matter with my baby? Tell me please, what’s wrong?”

“The baby is fine, just fine, only it’s a hermaphrodite.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It means that your baby is… er… that he… er… she… er… that it… er… has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman.”

“Well thank the lord for that! You mean he has a penis and a brain?”

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Got to love Aussies

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project – Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are.”

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Hotel joke | Lonely night

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs…….  well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.  When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

‘Hello,’ the woman says.   God, she sounded sexy.

‘Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night;  tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?’

(more…)

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