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Archive for the ‘Joke’ Category

The Whore and the Accountant

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a moment and the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

“Chicken Farmer it is.”

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A woman gave birth after a long period in labour. As soon as she had recovered sufficiently the doctor approached her.

“Your baby is in good health, but there’s something important I need to explain to you…!”

The new mother goes into a funk.

“What’s the matter with my baby? Tell me please, what’s wrong?”

“The baby is fine, just fine, only it’s a hermaphrodite.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It means that your baby is… er… that he… er… she… er… that it… er… has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman.”

“Well thank the lord for that! You mean he has a penis and a brain?”

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Got to love Aussies

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project – Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her,’You must be Steve’s widow’.

She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are.”

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Hotel joke | Lonely night

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs…….  well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.  When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

‘Hello,’ the woman says.   God, she sounded sexy.

‘Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night;  tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?’

(more…)

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Hilarious nutjob joke

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts, over and over, something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, 30 minutes later he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

(more…)

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NHS help

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’

‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’

‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’

‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’

‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’

‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you eff-all in here’.

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Robot lie detector

John was addicted to buying any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

About 5:30 that afternoon their 11-year-old son Tommy returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school..”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha.”The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him spark out.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

That was when Marsha got the robot treatment.

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The haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The officer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I can not accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

~~Politicians should serve two terms, one in office, one in jail.~~

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I’m voting Icelandic Volcano Party.  It’s done more to stop immigration in the last five days than Labour has done is the last 10 years!

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “I have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

The families were summoned and piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind and we thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high. “

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