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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

M- She major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “MOO”

M- she’s major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “M-M-M-M-MOO!”

She ain’t got no alibi, she ugly!
(screw off)

M- She’s major ugly
O- she’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow says “MOO”
~~~~~
“Hey, let me ask you something, does she have an alibi?”
“For what? Why would she need an alibi?”
“So you’re saying she does NOT have an alibi?”
“Well, no”
“Okay, so we’ve established she ain’t got no alibi, she ugly! She ugly! U-G-L-Y! She ain’t got no alibi! She ugly!”
“Screw off”
~~~~~~
M- she’s major ugly
O- She’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow said “MOO”
~Repeat 4 times~

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I do like my koala-eating, crocodile-shagging cousins down-under.  I remember when I graced their shores many moons ago.  Got the pome treatment throughout but boy are they good fun.  Shame they suffer from their own version of the Labour Party.  Glad to see they’ve kept their humour though.

Immigration wouldn’t be so bad if we imported foreign Conservatives and exported our fellow deluded.  The world would finally see balance if all the lazy degenerates and professional haters were altogether in their dystopia.  We’d still have to send them food parcels but at least we wouldn’t have to suffer Graham Norton.

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Hilarious nutjob joke

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts, over and over, something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, 30 minutes later he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

(more…)

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NHS help

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’

‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’

‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’

‘I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘I’ll just check her notes. I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy, thank you ever so much!’

‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?’

‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you eff-all in here’.

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Robot lie detector

John was addicted to buying any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

About 5:30 that afternoon their 11-year-old son Tommy returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school..”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha.”The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him spark out.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

That was when Marsha got the robot treatment.

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An excellent clip involving Millwall’s super-signing goalscorer Steve Morrison (23 goals so far and still got a trip to Wembley to score some more) and the effect of his footballing prowess on a shocked feline.

Sheer class.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “I have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

The families were summoned and piled into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind and we thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high. “

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