Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Excellent short animation films:

The Envelope

The Castle

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Muslim Headbutt

Never ceases to amaze me the stupidity that passes for human behaviour.

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Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’


TEACHER: No,that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?


TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Imponderables to ponder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

18. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

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Some light relief

Not that kind of relief you dirty perverts!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. It was soon evident that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?’

She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’

‘Why?’ he asked

She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!’

‘Let me see’ he said.

‘Okay’ and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.’ He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until the day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She squealed, ‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and giblets!’


A bloke goes into an adult shop and asks for an inflatable doll. The geezer behind the counter asks, ‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female.’

The shop assistant then asks, ‘Black or white?

Customer says, ‘White.’

Counter assistant asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the heck does religion have to do with it?’

Shop geezer says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up’


Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon………..You got nice house.’


The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the Clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope. “No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”Tiger: “You’re a day late.


Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, ‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

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One of the best remakes I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.

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Some more jokes

The Train Conductor

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ‘cos we’re going down the tracks’.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’

She hears the little boy continue,

‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added……….

‘For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Old Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. The Fairy Godmother Sisterhood agree you are worth three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she said: ‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.’

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold, the castle assumed that refurbished-look, lawns trim, fountains tinkling, bird song, the scent of a million blooms.. Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’

Her transformation was instant, gone the aches and pains, the lumps and bumps, the wrinkles. Her beautiful young visage  returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat cowering in the corner and said, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Poof! In a cloud of smoke, Bob whirled and twirled, undergoing a change in his biological make-up, until transformed into the most handsome man, the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations,

Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’ and, amidst a blazing shock of bright blue light, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her golden rocking chair, he offered his hand, she took it, she stood. He drew her close in a wonderful embrace, and, leaning close, his scented breath.stirring her golden hair, he whispered…

‘I bet you’re sorry now that you had my balls cut off’.’

The Englsih Language

A missionary decided his first mission was to teach the natives English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest, points to a tree and says, “This is a tree.”

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”

The chief nods and grunts, “Rock.”

For an hour or more, the missionary points out birds, wild animals, creepy insects, flora and fauna and the chief duly repeats the observations in English. Enough for a first day, you may have thought, but returning to their encampament they hear a rustling in the bushes and, peeking through the folliage, they spy a couple engaged in a furious bout of sex. The missionary is really flustered and would rather leave such sordid goings-on for someone else to explain, so he quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.”

The chief leaps through the bushes, pulls out his machete and hacks them both to death. The missionary is horrified and begins to lecture the chief on civilised behaviour. How could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike.”

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For future use nearer election time:

For the coming World Cup 2010, my prediction:

And to prove TV is fake, Clarkson’s balls:

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Many thanks to an American cousin of mine for sharing this (Cheers B).

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More jokes

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” says the pirate, “I feel fine.” “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before,” says the barman. “”We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now,” replies the pirate. The bartender goes on, “Well, what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explains, “I got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I was fitted with a hook and now I’m grand.” “And the eye patch?” continues the barman “Oh,” says the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye.” “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird poo, could you?” “Well,” says the pirate, “It was my first day with the hook.”


A bloke sneaks away from his wife and goes into town to find himself a woman. When he finds one, he asks, “How much for sex?” “£100,” she replies. “A blow job?” asks the bloke. “£50.” “A hand job?” asks the desperate chap. “£25. Why, how much have you got?” asks the pro. “A tenner,” admits the bloke. “Sorry, you won’t get much for that,” says the woman. He sighs and wanders off round the corner. Suddenly, he sees his wife walking towards him. “There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you,” she says trustingly, “Come on, let’s go home.” As the pair walk down the street, the prostitute calls after them, “I told you that you wouldn’t get much for a tenner!”


A maid is at work when the phone in the house rings, so she picks it up. The man on the end of the line says, “Can I speak to my wife?”  The maid says, “No, she’s upstairs in bed with her boyfriend.” “Ok,” says the man, “Go to the cupboard under the stairs and take out my shotgun. Run upstairs and kill them both.” Being the loyal maid, she agrees. Five minutes later she picks up the phone and says, “Ok, they’re both dead. What should I do with the bodies?” The man says, “Throw them in the pool, and I’ll take care of them when I get home.” The maid says, “Pool? We don’t have a pool.”  The man asks, “This IS 555-4059, isn’t it!?”


Hull City FC are thinking of changing their nickname to “The Possums,” seeing as they play dead when they’re at home and get killed on the road.


The devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven vs Hell. God says, “We’ll win hands down; all the greatest players who ever lived are up here.” The devil replies, “That’s true – but I’ve got all the referees and linesmen!”


Bob gets invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is ’emotions.’ Worried about what to dress as, he rings his mate Keith to discuss it. “Don’t worry,” says Keith, “I know what we can do.” On Friday night, they stand at the doorstep of the party and ring the bell. The host answers the door to find Bob totally naked with a bowl of custard over his privates, and Keith with a pear over his plonker. “What are you two meant to be?” asks the host. “I’m f**kin’ dis’custard,” says Bob. “And I’ve come in dis’pear!” says Keith.

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