The F word

10 more times from history, when it might appear appropriate to use the F-word:

10th – “Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC

9th – “How the f*** did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th – “You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566

7th – “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877

6th – “It does so f***ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926

5th – “Where the f*** are we?” ˆ Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th – “Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938

3rd – “What the f*** was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd – “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” – JFK,   1963

AND …  drum roll please …

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the “F” word …..

“Aw c’mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?” – Tiger Woods, 2009.

Zebra goes to Heaven

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates… As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled.. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes,  God would have said, ‘You is what you is..’

Preaching to the critters

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as  chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk  shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t  really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They  would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt  to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their  experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and  had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. ‘Well,’ he said,  ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began  to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do  with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,  sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a  lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and  confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one  arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best  fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that  we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to  read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do  with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down  one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I  quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,  he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising  Jesus..  Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who  was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs  and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The  Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it,  …….   circumcision may not have been the best way to  start.”

Marriage and Fishing

Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..’

Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.  When it went off,  I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: ‘Fishing or Sex?

And she said:……………..  ‘Wear sun-block.’

Sexy times

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

“What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me…”

Love at first sight

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic  diving champion.

You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

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‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the River Mersey’

Professional Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.  He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van…”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”