Millwall – Only Fools n Horses mix

For my own personal entertainment, a mix of some likely sayings heard at the Den mixed over the famous Beeb’s popular Peckham sitcom’s theme tune.

If you don’t like it, tough, I do. If however you do like Millwall, another well-made video involving wonderboy Morrison and a cat I posted previously can be had HERE.

Family Guy ~ Stewie singing U.G.L.Y

M- She major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “MOO”

M- she’s major ugly
O- she fat and pugly
O- oh my god, no, the cow says “M-M-M-M-MOO!”

She ain’t got no alibi, she ugly!
(screw off)

M- She’s major ugly
O- she’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow says “MOO”
~~~~~
“Hey, let me ask you something, does she have an alibi?”
“For what? Why would she need an alibi?”
“So you’re saying she does NOT have an alibi?”
“Well, no”
“Okay, so we’ve established she ain’t got no alibi, she ugly! She ugly! U-G-L-Y! She ain’t got no alibi! She ugly!”
“Screw off”
~~~~~~
M- she’s major ugly
O- She’s fat and pugly
O- my god, no, the cow said “MOO”
~Repeat 4 times~

Aussie Humour

I do like my koala-eating, crocodile-shagging cousins down-under.  I remember when I graced their shores many moons ago.  Got the pome treatment throughout but boy are they good fun.  Shame they suffer from their own version of the Labour Party.  Glad to see they’ve kept their humour though.

Immigration wouldn’t be so bad if we imported foreign Conservatives and exported our fellow deluded.  The world would finally see balance if all the lazy degenerates and professional haters were altogether in their dystopia.  We’d still have to send them food parcels but at least we wouldn’t have to suffer Graham Norton.

Jokes about our koala-eating cousins down-under

Ring Ring…..

Hello – Australian team dressing room

Hello mate…Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please.

Sorry mate – he’s just gone out to bat

It’s OK – I’ll hold.

************

Q: What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

************

Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?

A: A waiter.

************

Q: Which Australian spends the most time at the crease?

A: The woman who irons the cricket whites.

************

Q: Why don’t Aussie fielders need pre-tour injections?

A: Because they never catch anything.

************

Q: What’s the Aussie version of a hat trick?

A: Three runs in three over’s.

************

Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A: Both wonder where their next score will come from.

************

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?

A: The walk back to the pavilion.

************

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

A: The entire Australian innings.

************

Q: What’s the Australian version of LBW?

A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

************

Q: Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

A: Because they can’t spell beer.

************

Q: What do you call an Australian with 100 to his name

A: A bowler

************

Q: Why do Australians struggle with bottles.

A.: Because they don’t have any openers

************

Q: What do you call a world class Australian cricketer

A: Retired

************

Q: What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube

A: Laughing stock

************

Casta Diva – Maria Callas

Something for the soul.

Heard it on an advert.

South Park collection

Cartman interview

Evolution by Mrs Garrison

Beer Song

Cartman’s best one-liners to a techno beat

Cartman ‘Pokerface’ with liberties to Lady Gaga

Stumped (joke)

A  young woman walked into a police station in Melbourne and said to the Desk Sergeant

“I’d like to report a case of sexual assault”.

“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.

“Just down the road  past the MCG ” she replied “

“Can you describe what happened?”

“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me”.

“Could you give me a description of him?”

“Yes, he was wearing white sports  shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.

“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.

“Yes”, said the lady instantly, “He was an Aussie Cricketer”.

“That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”

“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.

The F word

10 more times from history, when it might appear appropriate to use the F-word:

10th – “Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC

9th – “How the f*** did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th – “You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566

7th – “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877

6th – “It does so f***ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926

5th – “Where the f*** are we?” ˆ Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th – “Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938

3rd – “What the f*** was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd – “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” – JFK,   1963

AND …  drum roll please …

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the “F” word …..

“Aw c’mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?” – Tiger Woods, 2009.

Zebra goes to Heaven

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates… As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled.. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes,  God would have said, ‘You is what you is..’

Preaching to the critters

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as  chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk  shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t  really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They  would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt  to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their  experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and  had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. ‘Well,’ he said,  ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began  to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do  with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,  sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a  lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and  confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one  arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best  fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that  we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to  read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do  with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down  one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I  quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,  he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising  Jesus..  Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who  was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs  and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The  Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it,  …….   circumcision may not have been the best way to  start.”